


A Culliford Witch Hunt

by WarnerHedgehog



Series: The Dorchester Name Four [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Humor, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23526658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: The story of a failed witch hunt.  It doesn’t get off the ground, partially due to the incompetence of the witch hunters, but mostly because the local witch isn't who they think it is.
Series: The Dorchester Name Four [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692214





	1. Cast

**Cast and plot.**

  
**Fenny Parthing** : Sharply dressed community leader. She’s the witch. Not evil exactly, but plagued by twits. Has a job to do and wants to get on with it.

**Boris Fencepos** t: Leader of the mob. Tallish bloke in his early 30s. Thick and moronic. Something of a medieval football hooligan, given to the occasional burst of intelligence.

**Holly Jockysticks** : Would-be leader of the hunt. Late 20s possibly. Slightly annoyed by Boris taking the reins. Looks quite intelligent. Isn’t. Similar style to Denny Seigel.

**Cary Leach** : Young follower maybe 22ish and possible acolyte of Boris. Over-enthusiastic bordering on the manic.

**Gary Snobbs:** Late 20s. Member of the mob. Rather daft. Initially thinks they’re campaigning against taxes. Not known for his ability to pay attention, or for his ability to focus on the job in hand.

**Baz Crompton:** General ruffian and local dunderhead. Only in the mob so he can be a bit violent and get away with it. Mates with Eddie, although they support rival football teams. Often they’ll argue about petty football trivia or last night’s win/loss.

**Eddie Nerk:** Another ruffian and walking shambles. Not as violent in nature as Baz, but often gets a bit carried away. Delights in winding Baz up. 

**Elspeth Catterwaul:** Busybody and knowitall in her 60s. Likes poking her beak into other people’s business. Very good at taking 2 and 2 and making 87. A good one for massive leaps of illogic and random and fairly surreal conclusions.

**Albert Thoughtless:** More proactive member of the mob. Very prone to acting on a vague whim or a leapt at conclusion. Fairly stupid, yet of the opinion that he’s brilliant.

**Hugh Jarse:** Albert’s mate, sidekick and partner in crime. Also prone to action without much thought.

**Rev. George Smits:** Well respected ex-vicar and drag artist. Known in London as Brandy Glass.

**Dorothy Psyclone:** Psychic, heather-seller, card reader, palm-reader and part time receptionist. Often gets called an old witch. Close to being a gypsy but too fond of staying in one place.


	2. A Culliford Witch Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The main scriptington.

**Scene:**   
**Largish office. A desk is off to the left, with Fenny sat at it. A filing cabinet is on the back wall with a toy black cat on it. On the wall there is a mad artwork featuring a life-size broomstick and possibly a witches hat. In the corner is a coat/hatstand with a black cape hanging on it. A sign on the wall says “Culliford Mayor’s Office”. Next to it is a sign that reads “Upper Yaws Twinning Society”.**

**Script:**  
 **Fenny: Looks up and speaks to the audience.** It’s been a quiet few minutes here. It’ll never last, it never does. This little town seems to need an endless supply of paperwork and there’s never any time to do it. I suspect that some sort of interruption will poke its head in very shortly. Either some twerp wanting a meeting about some minor nothing or some lummox wanting something signed. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the dafter villagers has come up with some sort of hare-brained scheme to cause pointless trouble and has decided to harass someone.

**A loud knocking sound.**

**Fenny:** Right on cue. Come in.

**Boris and the witch-hunters stride in.**   
**The crowd are chanting “Witches out”, “Down with Witchcraft” and similar phrases. One may well be shouting “No Poll Tax”. There may well be a placard or two with anti-witch slogans.**

**Fenny:** Calm down please. **The hubbub continues.** Less of the chanting please. **No change – they carry on shouting slogans. Fenny shouts:** SHUT UP! **The crowd calms down.** Thank you. I would ask ‘what’s the meaning of all this’ but I think I think I can guess. Am I to presume that you believe there’s a witch in town?  
 **Various “Yeah “and “Damn straight” sort of calls rise up from the mob**

**Fenny: Mildly exasperated.** Who speaks for this crowd?

**Boris:** Steps forward from the crowd I speak for the witch hunt.

**Holly:** Hang on there Boris. Who elected you leader of this mob?

**Boris:** I’m the one who organised this hunt ain’t I?

**Holly:** But I told you about the witch in the first place, that makes me the leader.

**Boris:** I’m big, gruff and angry. I reckon that makes me leader.

**Fenny:** I don’t care who started the mob or who leads it for that matter: I just want to speak with one person and not have a crowd talk at me. Boris, what is this about a witch?

**Gary:** We’re after a witch? When did that happen?

**Boris:** That’s why we’re here you yutz. We’re a witch hunting mob. We’re after the witch. What did you think we were doing?

**Gary:** I thought we were campaigning about taxes.

**Holly:** That was last week Gaz, remember? Keep up. We marched on town hall, burst in violently, ranted a lot and wasted our time for half an hour achieving nothing much of any use at all. You know same as we always do. This week we’ve nailed it and got it right. Today we’re after witches. Catching and burning witches is important.

**Gary:** Oh, that explains the ‘down with witches’ chanting you’ve been doing. I was wondering about that.

**Boris bangs on the desk.**

**Boris: Angrily.** Will you two stop arguing, we got important business here. Turns back to Fenny There is a witch in this town Mayor Parthing and we want it gone.

**Fenny** : Please calm down Boris, there’s no need to shout; you’re only 3 feet away from me after all.

**Boris:** I have to shout Mayor Parthing, I’m after a witch.

**Fenny:** look, is this going to take long? I have to deal with the muppets from the Upper Yaws twinning group shortly and I don’t want to be late.

**Boris:** We get the witch, then we’re happy.

**Baz:** Witch! Wiiiitch!

**Cary: Shouting** Yeah, there’s a witch in this town and we’re all in danger.

**Fenny:** Sighs. Ok, ok. Calm down Cary, you’ve made your point. First things first folks and at the risk of sounding like I’m in a Monty Python film, how do you know we have a witch?

**Eddie:** She turned my dog into a cat, and after that I distinctly heard cackling. Evil cackling.

**Fenny:** Did you witness this event? 

**Eddie:** Well, not as such but the dog went out, there was a strange crashing noise and a scared cat came in. 

**Fenny** : So you didn’t see this mysterious witch then?

**Eddie** : Well, no. Not exactly seen, more...heard.

**Fenny:** How is the newly transformed pet now?

**Eddie:** Back to being a dog. Its weird y’know: The cat ran out as we tried to catch it, there was a crashing noise again and the dog ran back in. Go on, explain that.

**Fenny:** Okaaaay, it sounds highly suspicious to me. We have a ‘transformed’ pet. Are there any other instances of witchy behaviour to go on?

**Elspeth:** I distinctly heard young Miss Stubbs say something about someone being an old witch; I didn’t quite catch who though as she saw me looking through her window and started shouting at me. Very sociable I don’t think.

**Holly: Somewhat sarcastically** Very helpful. Thank you very much.

**Cary:** I saw what looked like a witch fly over my house yesterday. I think it was a witch, or was it a crow? No, it was definitely a witch.

**Fenny:** Right I think it’s safe to assume you’re all convinced we have a witch. The next question that springs to mind is ‘Do you know who the witch is’?

**Cary:** She’s the witch in’t she?

**Fenny:** Very good Cary, very wise. Now, what’s her actual name, or don’t you know?

**Holly:** Well, not as such; but we’re working on it.

**Boris:** That’s why it’s a witch hunt innit? It’s not a witch collection or a pickup. It’s a hunt, a fact finding mission or something similar.

**Fenny:** Thank you Boris. Now, do you have any information yet?

**Elspeth:** Well, I was standing outside number 6 and I distinctly remember someone there, I think it was Caroline, saying that she wanted some eye of newt..or was it a side of beef? Anyway, they own a black cat as well, so I think that whole family are witches.

**Fenny:** That’s a fantastically marvellous leap of logic there Elspeth! Well done. And of course it’s totally useless as nothing is proved.

**Eddie** : We could throw them all in the village pond. If they float...or is it if they sink..wait a mo.

**Holly:** Way to go Edward, you pinhead.

**Baz:** WITCH! There’s a witch!

**Boris:** Shut it Baz, we’re past that bit.

**Baz:** Sorry.  
  
**Cary:** How about we throw them off the nearest cliff? If they save themselves by flying back up then they’re witches!

**Fenny:** Ok. Two problems there: 1, the nearest cliff is about 100 miles away and 2, if they’re entirely innocent then they’re dead and you’ve still got a witch in the area. Besides, some vague misheard quotation from a mad old bat doesn’t really qualify as incriminating evidence does it?

**Elspeth:** How dare you call me that?! 

**Fenny:** Easily really since it happens to be true. 

**Baz:** **Barges his way to the front** ‘Ere Mayor Parthing. You’re the one in charge, so you the one what’s got the witch. You tell us who it is: If you don’t, hur, hur, hur, well we wanna bash something so it may as well be you.

**Fenny:** Calmly. You’re in no position to make threats Barry Crompton. 

**Baz:** Why not?

**Fenny:** Well, for one, the trap door you’re standing on was serviced only this morning; secondly I own your house. Bash me, get evicted. It’s up to you really.

**Baz:** Steps back into the crowd Never mind...

**Eddie:** Ha! She got you good and proper! Just like United did last night.

**Baz:** United never got us. We were Slows down to think of the words luring...them...into a...false...sense....of...security.

**Eddie:** What, by losing the match?

**Baz:** Errrrrr yeah. Thats it.

**Boris:** You’re stalling Mayor Parthing. Are you going to help us get the witch or not?

**Fenny:** Boris, Boris, Boris. If and that’s the main word here, if there is a witch in this place, then I will see what I can do; but you can’t go attacking people on the vague misheard anecdotal evidence of Elspeth here.

**Boris:** All right if that’s the way you want to play it. We’ll herd everyone onto the village green and...and...

**Cary:** And burn ‘em. The one that survives is the witch!

**Holly:** Shut up Cary. That’s as stupid as your push ‘em off a cliff idea.

**Cary:** Don’t hear you coming up with ideas.

**Holly:** Well, You systematically put people in a giant chest freezer. If they come out unfrozen then they’re a witch. If not, they’re......innocent and dead. Aaahh rats.

**Cary:** See? It’s not easy is it? You’re rubbish Hollifer!

**Gary:** No, No, no. You’re all going about this the wrong way. There’s a much simpler way to go about this. What you need is a Witch Stone. 

**Everyone looks at gary as if he’s sprouted horns.**

**Boris:** Errm, what’s a Witch Stone?

**Gary:** It’s a stone that helps you find witches innit?

**Boris:** That’s very helpful Gary. Can you describe it?

**Gary: Gary goes all wide eyed and distant, as if he’s quoting some mystical prophesy** Well, it’s a special rock made out of the crystallised form of a rare mineral called Gronnikite, which you can only find in one cave high up in the Andes. Its magneto- crystalline structure is such that it is naturally repelled by magic users such as witches, wizards, warlocks and Game Show Hosts. If you had a Witch Stone on a cord, it would be pushed away by the naturally occurring magical forces generated by the witch in question, thus allowing you to tell whether you had yourselves a witch or just one of those boring normal people. 

**Fenny:** That sounds amazing! Where did you hear of it? 

**Gary:** I read about it in a magazine. I was sitting in Grand Central Station last week and was bored so I picked up a copy of “Presents for a presence” magazine. They cover all that sort of stuff.

**Boris:** You were helping farmer Henry out all last week. At what point did you go to New York?

**Gary:** Well, on Wednesday while I was cleaning out the stables, I... 

**Boris:** You mean you were daydreaming?

**Gary:** Now you come to mention it, I think I was, yeah. That’d explain the date with Marilyn Monroe the next day.

**Holly:** Cheers Gary. You had us going there for a moment. Go back to the clouds in your head.

**Elspeth:** I have an idea. We could go out and accidentally eaves drop on conversations and peek into windows until we find our witch.

**Fenny:** You mean you want to extend the mere nosiness of one person into a village-wide exercise? I suppose one bonus is that you might find out any other scandalous secrets people might have. That and other material for gossip.  
  
**Elspeth:** You could put it like that if you want, but I like to think of it as something to help the village, and its gossip network, which I must say is pretty poor at the moment: I mean there’s a new family at number 32 and I’ve heard no rumours about them at all.

**Albert and Hugh bundle in at this point. They are dragging someone (George) who seems to be female. They’ve put a blanket over ‘her’ head. They are very overexcited and shouty. They manhandle their victim to the front of the crowd.**

**Albert:** We’ve got the witch! We’ve caught the actual bleedin’ witch!

**Hugh:** Everybody calm down! Don’t panic at all! We’ve solved the witch problem! You lot are all rubbish and a useless witch hunt! We are brilliant ‘cos we got us the witch!

**Albert:** The wiiitch is here. No need for alarm! We. Have. The. Witch.

**George: (Muffled.)** Let me go! I’m not a witch!

**Albert:** Shut up witch! That’s just what we thought you’d say!

**Cary: Almost leaping up and down with excitement and glee** Wow! Top work Albert and Hugh you pair of legends! Let’s burn her here and now!

**Boris:** As leader of this hunt I want to see the face of our witch and claim the credit for the catch.

**Albert** : Back off Boris Fencepost. This is our witch, not yours.

**Fenny** : Will you all shut up? Albert, remove that blanket; I would like to know who you’ve got under there.

**Albert removes the blanket in a proud “look at what I made” sort of way.**

**Albert:** I present to you all, The Culliford Witch! Bask in her evil glow.

**George is dressed as a pantomime witch: black pointy hat, green wig, black flowing dress, green makeup and a broomstick. He may well have black gloves and a bat-motif brooch.**   
**Various gasps and cries of ‘It’s a witch’ emanate from the mob.**   
**Fenny looks at George and laughs.**

**Fenny:** I hate to be the one to tell you boys, but that ain’t no witch that you’ve grabbed. It’s more of a George.

**Hugh:** Whataya mean that isn’t a witch. Course it’s a witch! Look at the clothes, look at the make-up. Look at the broomstick! It’s a chuffing witch!

**George:** I’m not a witch you lummoxing great halfwit. 

**Fenny:** Listen to the man Hugh.

**Albert:** What do you mean “Man”? This is a witch. 

**Fenny:** Just what I said. That’s not a witch you pair of twits, that’s the once-reverend George Smits; ex vicar and award winning cabaret drag artist.

**Albert:** But, but...She’s got a pointy hat and a broomstick! Look at her warty green face and evil black dress. She definitely looks like a witch to me. There’s no black cat but I reckon she ate it on account of her being an evil temptress and foul Satanist.

**Fenny:** So Albert Thoughtless, you think that’s what a witch looks like? Really? 

**Hugh: Uncertainly.** Well, yeah. That’s what a witch looks like innit? Everyone knows they got green skin and warts and broomsticks and stuff. I mean come on! She’s a witch. Ha ha haa...ha... 

**Fenny:** In Scooby-Doo it is, maybe even the Wizard of Oz. Welcome to the land of “We’re not in a cartoon” Hugh. What’s up with the outfit George? Done a party or something?

**George:** Quite correct mayor Parthing. I’ve just done a Halloween-themed show at the Bee Queens gay bar in town and was on my way home when these two berks grabbed me. Takes his wig off. See? I’m not a witch.

**Fenny:** See that Albert? It’s an outfit, fancy dress, a costume. You may as well expect a witch to wear a sign saying “I AM A WITCH” around their neck.

**Albert:** Awwwww rats. I thought we did it there. Sod it.

**Hugh:** Alright Parthing. You win this one with your smart talk and your power suits, but only temper airily. We’ll catch us the witch and then we’ll be back. C’mon Al, let’s go get the REAL witch!

**Albert:** Yeah! That’s right! We NEVER give up. We’ll be back...mayor. He makes a ‘we’ll get you’ sort of gesture.

**Albert and Hugh run off.**

**Fenny:** **Despairingly.** Oh my lord. Who are they going to grab next?

**Boris:** Good question. Woes betide anyone with a black hat. Still, those two idiots apart, we still have a witch to find. 

**George:** Can I go now? I would rather like to get home and change into something a little more normal. This dress lets a draught in something wicked.

**Fenny:** Certainly George. I’m so sorry you had to put up with this. If those two fools grab you again, let us know and I’ll set social services on them. I think they should be someplace secure.

**George:** Thank you Mayor Parthing. **He exits.**

**Baz: Shouting from the back.** Where’s the witch Parthing? We know you’re hiding it someplace!

**Boris:** Shut UP Baz you twonk. We wanted her to sanction a witch hunt and maybe let us into any info she may have. Not once has anyone said she’s actually hiding the evil demonic spell casting entity. Why would the mayor of the town hide the witch? 

**Fenny:** Why indeed Boris. Why on earth would I hide a witch? What’s the point? I’ve got enough problems to deal with and hiding a witch would simply add to them.

**Holly: As if she’s wrestling with quite a tricky mental problem.** How do we know you’re not the witch?

**Fenny:** Ha! That’s stupider than Cary’s ideas! You may as well ask if Elspeth here is a witch or you for that matter Holly. You’re not a witch are you? 

**Holly: Alarmed** Me? No! I’m no witch! You can’t call me a witch!

**Fenny:** You seem awfully nervous about it. Could it be you have some sort of secret here Holl? Are you SURE you’re not the witch, and you started the hunt to throw the mob off the trail?

**Boris and Cary look at Holly suspiciously.**

**Holly:** Of course I’m not the witch. I’m about as magical as a duck.

**Fenny:** We only have your word for it my dear. Cary, does Holly look a bit witchy to you?  
  
**Cary pokes Holly a couple of times.**

**Cary:** Now that you mention it, she does seem a bit hag like from certain angles. There’s a definite witchiness about the nose.

**Holly clips Cary round the back of the head.**

**Holly:** Cheers mate, it’s good to know who your friends are. How long have you known me Cary? How much supernatural inclination have I shown? Do I own a black cat? Have I ever turned you into a newt? I certainly didn’t turn you into a berk, as you were one of those already.

**Cary:** Now you mention it, you did say that anyone who believes in that sort of thing was a pillock.

**Holly:** Thank you for seeing sense for once. And if you call me a hag again I’ll break your nose, got it mister?

**Cary: meekly** Got it.

**They are interrupted again as Albert and Hugh burst in again, dragging with them Dorothy under a blanket. Again they hustle Dorothy to the front of the crowd with lots of “Out the way, witch delivery coming through type calls.**

**Hugh:** Big up the witch hunt two! We are the stars here, we are the main attraction! We are the witch finders extraordinaire!

**Albert:** We’ve done it! We’ve actually caught the actual witch. 

**Hugh:** Yeah! You said we couldn’t do it and we have! 

**Albert:** Where you all fail, we is geniuses. Bask in our glory, ‘cos we got the witch!

**Hugh:** The witch is ours! We. Have. Caught. The. Witch.

**Fenny:** Who’ve you two tormented this time?

**Albert:** A witch. Not just A witch, but THE witch. She says she’s just a Sigh Kick but we knows better. We knows her secret oh yes!

**Dorothy:** Let me go! I’m not a witch!

**Albert: Poking Dorothy** Shut up witch! Of course you’ll deny it. You’re a witch and witches are awkward and tricksy and cunning and gifted with a silver tongue and tempting wiles that can drag a man on to the rocks of despair. Don’t try to fool me with your clever words, witch: I am wise to your ways.

**Boris:** That’s it Albert, don’t give in. Own that witch.

**Holly:** Come on admit it. You’re evil.

**Cary:** Out with it foul temptress, admit to your evil magical practices!

**Dorothy:** I’m not a witch you dingleberry brained morons!

**Fenny:** Who have you got this time lads. Come on, remove the blanket and let us see.

**Hugh removes the blanket proudly.**

**Hugh:** I give you the evil witch!

**Dorothy:** I’m not a witch you dunderhead. I just do the odd tarot reading and maybe a séance now and then. That’s not witchcraft.

**Albert:** Yes it is. It’s meddling with the occult, playing with dark forces, conning gullible idiots out of money. That sounds like witchcraft to me.

**Hugh:** Yeah. How’d you like thems pineapples, witch?

**Dorothy:** Witchcraft is making potions, berking about in affairs of the heart, dancing around magic rocks at midnight, flying to and fro on a broomstick and something involving zombies. I just do the odd bit of psychic stuff to make ends meet. It’s not witchy at all. 

**Boris:** You’re the witch! Admit it, crone!

**Cary:** Yeah you evil old hag! Admit you’re the witch and we’ll burn you nicely!

**Fenny:** How do you burn someone nicely?

**Cary:** Well...the thing is..for starters you...You don’t use...

**Fenny:** Yes? Come on Lord high executioner; please enlighten us as to how you burn someone nicely? Is it all please and thank you as you tie them to the stake? Or maybe you leave the thumbscrews and pointy sticks out of proceedings before setting them on fire.

**Dorothy:** No one’s setting fire to me at all. I’m not a bloody witch!

**Albert:** Shut up you. I’m in charge here and Witches aren’t allowed to talk.

**Fenny:** Albert you prat, by all accounts you couldn’t run a whelk stall, and you’re certainly not the one who decides who speaks here, I am. Dorothy can speak if she wishes.

**Dorothy:** The only reason this berk **Indicates Albert** has for calling me a witch is sour grapes. Apparently he wanted a tarot reading last week while I was out. He seems to think I was spiting him personally.

**Holly:** Laughing her head off YOU went for a tarot reading? Ha! I’ve heard it all now!

**Albert:** Shut up Holly! I can if I wish. Look you old harridan, if you’re psychic then you’d know I was coming right? So you can’t be. All that card reading and crystal ball gazing and holding Séances is just lies. Its all so much mumbo jumbo and hogwash: there’s no such thing as Sy Kick ability and magic is all just illusion and Barn Numb statements and conning the public. 

**Fenny:** So by that argument she’s innocent of being a witch then.

**Albert:** What? Yes, I mean no! Waggles a finger at Fenny Ah ha! Ahhhhhhh! Don’t trick me by using a clever words missy! I knows your game. I’m onto you; you can’t get round me like that.

**Fenny:** But YOU just said that card reading, crystal ball gazing and séances are all lies. Make your mind up! You can’t have it both ways Mr. Albert Thoughtless.

**Albert:** But, but she’s a witch! She’s a bleedin’ witch!

**Boris:** As much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. You’ve cocked it up Al. Let the lady go, and stop grabbing random people. 

**Elspeth:** So if she’s not the witch and none of us is, then who is?

**Fenny** : No-one. There is no witch. It’s just a cheap excuse for idiots like Hugh and Albert here to go around aimlessly terrorizing people. Look Albert, If you keep on going out and grabbing anyone vaguely witch-ish, then this could drag on forever and it’s only supposed to be a short play, so please stop doing it, if only for the sanity of the audience. Besides, we don’t want to run that gag into the ground as it’ll stop being funny pretty quickly. 

**Baz:** If there ain’t going to be no witch bashing, then I’m off to start a fight at the pub. **Leaves**

**Eddie:** The big lummox is partially right. This just isn’t any fun anymore. If anyone wants me, I’m off to tell the police what Baz is about to do. They should love that. **Follows Baz.**

**Boris:** They may be lightweights in the witch-huntin’ business, but we ain’t. We’re not leaving until you agree to help us find the witch! I demand you aid us in our righteous quest to remove the presence of EVIL from our peaceful village! 

**Fenny:** For the last time Boris, there is no witch! Will you get that? We are witchless, witch-free, a no-witch zone. This is an un-witched village. 

**Dorothy:** You lot of numbskulls may not want to leave, but I do. Is this bunch of witch hunting nitwits done harassing me?

**Fenny:** I‘m pretty sure that they are Dorothy. She glares at Albert and Hugh We are so sorry to have troubled you. 

**Dorothy:** Thank you Mayor Parthing. If I file a lawsuit against them, would you stand as a character witness?

**Fenny:** To your character or their lack of?

**Dorothy:** Possibly both. I’ll think about that. You lot of clowns ain’t heard the last of this. **She exits.**

**Albert:** That was our only witch! Who do we burn now?

**Hugh:** Dunno. Can’t think of any other evil supernatural entities hereabouts. We could just follow Baz to the pub.

**Albert** : No we can’t. You’re barred from there, remember? So Am I for that matter. If there’s no-one left to accuse then I’m going home. **He leaves.**

**Hugh points at Fenny with the intention of aggressively making a point, but realises he doesn’t have one. He shrugs and follows Albert fairly quickly while muttering about witches.**

**Gary:** Well, while we’re here, can we complain about taxes?

**Boris:** No we can’t Gary. We’re a witch hunt, not a tax hunt. Do that another day.

**Gary:** Oh, right.

**Elspeth:** So where are we now? I mean is there a witch or isn’t there? 

**Cary: Anguished** I don’t know! I’m so confused!

**Holly:** I think we may be on a bit of a bum steer here. 

**Boris:** What do you mean? This was all your idea in the first place Holly.

**Holly:** MY idea? How do you reckon it was my idea? 

**Boris:** ‘cause it was, that’s why. You were the one who convinced me that there was a witch in this town.

**Holly:** Oh knickers. My fault everybody! You’re right. Sorry everyone! False alarm; There is no witch.

**Elspeth:** Oh drat it. Witch hunts were never like this when I was a girl. They were so much more dramatic. Now they always seem to fizzle out after a couple of minutes of terrible overacting and lousy scripting.

**Fenny:** So true Elspeth, so true. Still, never mind. So what are you going to do now Boris?

**Boris:** I reckon the best thing to do is go home, crack open a beer and forget this whole sorry episode. See you all later. **He leaves.**

**Gary:** This is all a big waste of my time. I have so many more important things to be getting on with. Not that I can think of any. Coming for a drink Elspeth? 

**Elspeth:** Depends on whether you’re buying or not I suppose.

**Gary:** Yes Elspeth, I’m buying. You coming or not?

**Elspeth:** Then I’m on my way. See you later Mayor Parthing. **Gary and Elspeth leave.**

**Holly:** So much for the witch hunt. What a load of half-assed rubbish that turned out to be. Come on Cary, I fancy a takeaway and don’t want to dine alone. You up for a Chinese?

**Cary:** Sounds good to me Holl. This witch hunting lark is a complete waste of time. Sorry to have troubled you Mayor Parthing. **They leave**

**Fenny:** I thought that would never end. To be honest, it never should have started. **Calmly goes over to the artwork on the wall and removes the broomstick.** Honestly, you’d think an entire mob could find one witch. **Takes down the hat and puts it on.** That lot couldn’t spot a witch if one turned them all into frogs. **Walks over to the hat stand, takes the cape and puts it on.**  
Still, never mind. They might find the witch one day. Night all, gotta fly. **Cackles as she walks off the stage.**


End file.
